My Matthew was at the kitchen counter slowly eating leftover pasta from last night’s dinner. As he twirled the spaghetti round his fork I could tell he was thinking about something.
“Maybe I’ll be cool,” he said quietly.
I looked up from putting away the dishes. “What, hon? I didn’t hear you.”
Sitting a little taller he repeated himself. “Maybe I’ll be cool. At this new school. IF I decide to go.” The emphasis on ‘IF’.
“Ohhhh, sure”, I said, my heart breaking a little. “You have the chance to be whomever you want to be. It’s a small school so just be yourself. Remember everyone just wants a good friend, so just be a good friend and it’ll be great.”
After watching our 13 yr old son struggle off and on for years, we made the decision to have him change schools in the fall and repeat the 7th grade. YIKES, right? I knew the choice was certainly an uncommon one and I promise that many years had brought us here. Through great research, and much prayer (Yes, I’m pretty sure God is SO tired of me by this point), the decision was made to remove our son from public school and place him in a small Christian elementary school for 7th and 8th grade. He needed something that no IEP or 504 Plan could give him. He needed the Gift of Time.
Changing Schools is Tough
Even if the current environment isn’t the best for your child, they still have a level of comfort that feels normal. Our son Matt had started our town’s public school through the Early Intervention program on his 3rd birthday. He had some developmental delays that primarily effected his expressive communication. The very small class size and 1:5 teacher-student ratio was just what he needed. He certainly had his difficulties, especially with managing his emotions, but the IEP enabled him to learn at his own pace and be free from distractions in the larger classroom. But testing out of his IEP in 5th grade brought both celebration and concern. Entering the larger middle school in 6th grade and also being fully mainstreamed proved too much for our son. Near the end of the first year, and with a formal ADHD diagnosis in hand, the school put a 504 Plan in place for 7th grade. Matt would be given preferential seating, extra time for test taking, and allowed to visit any teacher during daily free periods for extra support or further review. The year started promisingly enough but it slowly became clear that the environment was not the best for Matt’s needs and learning style. As spring approached, my husband and I continued to watch Matt’s grades rise and plummet seemingly without reason. Despite trying to push it away, the idea of giving him an extra year would not stop nagging at me.
There were many times over the years I wished Matt could be held back, but with all the resources provided in our public school I didn’t want him to leave and forgo all the assistance. (And I would never have him repeat the year in the SAME school only to have him watch his peers move ahead. It seemed my only option was to have him trudge along.) But when he lost his IEP just prior to middle school I wondered if perhaps this was a good time to move him to a nearby private school, repeat 5th grade, and then move forward. I was talked out of this idea by everyone I asked. Most especially myself.
Let’s face it. Moving outside the norm can be scary and lonely. It can also be costly and our family’s finances didn’t support the high cost of private school, especially when “there was a perfectly good public school in our very own town”. So year after year I pushed away the thought of having him repeat a year. Until I didn’t. I’m not sure what it was, but I finally knew getting him an extra year was something I HAD to do. He could hate me now, and hopefully thank me later. (And if not, what the heck. I figure my kids will have an inventory of items to run through with their future therapists. Why not add “Wrecking My Life” to the list?)
Don’t get me wrong, Matt has many strengths and is certainly at grade level for math. (If only Legos and Robotics could be mandatory courses.) Theater is his other strong suit, especially his rich singing voice both raspy AND velvety, sounding almost foreign coming from his smaller than average frame. But his kindness and compassion for those who are clearly struggling is his most beloved trait. Someone at church introduced themselves to me recently, complimenting Matthew for continually spending time with her special needs son during youth group. Matt had mentioned something about this boy months earlier and I knew he had befriended him. What I didn’t know was that this was not just some young middle schooler with a mild special need. Rather this wasn’t a boy at all. I learned Matt was giving his time to a young man, 27 years old who lived with significant mental retardation. But Matt didn’t tell me this because he didn’t see it. He just saw another human being who needed a friend. That’s the stuff that matters. And that ‘stuff’ requires No I.E.P. and No 504 Plan, just a freakin crazy compassionate heart. Matt scores off the charts for that.
So this fall, Matt will be (re)entering the 7th grade at a small Christian school located in a nearby town. He enjoyed a full day shadowing his future classmates and loved the 1:12 teacher student ratio. Said it felt like a family atmosphere. Although I’m nervous to go this route, my heart’s at peace. And that’s when we know it’s the right choice.
Thoughts on Holding Your Child Back
Let’s chat about the subject of holding your child back, or having them repeat a year. Almost everyone you ask will tell you to let your child move forward with his same aged peers. I, however, will NOT say that because I am your friend and l HAVE BEEN THERE.
If you truly want to poll other people on whether or not this could benefit your child, ASK A MOM WHO’S EITHER HELD A CHILD BACK OR HAD THEM REPEAT A YEAR. Those are the only ones equipped to answer.
If you don’t know anyone whose done this then let me tell you their answer because I know many. A mom whose child either waited an extra year for Kindergarten, repeated Kindergarten OR chose to repeat a grade at a NEW school will tell you: IT’S THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID. (I’ve honestly never met a mom whose regretted her decision to hold a child or have them repeat a year.)
Among my 6 kids, I had two of my boys repeat kindergarten. One of them was my Charlie who had severe developmental delays and a host of other issues so that was an easy decision to make. (I should mention it was an easy decision for ME, but not what the school recommended. Sometimes you just need to go with your gut despite what others may suggest.)
But I want to point out that holding back a child from kindergarten or having them repeat kindergarten isn’t always due to their having learning issues. Sometimes they just need more time. My son Will, currently in the 8th grade, continually earns highest honors every marking period. Looking at him now, you wouldn’t think he had significant reading/comprehension challenges when set to enter 1st grade. The teachers assured me he’d be accommodated in a slower reading group and would catch up to his peers by 3rd grade. (By this point I was into my 4th year of homeschooling my then 13 yr old, Kate. If anyone had a pulse on how their children learned, it was me.) It took me about 10 minutes to make up my mind and ask that William repeat Kindergarten. Others questioned my decision, especially since William was seemingly so precocious. They also warned me he’d be the oldest and tallest in the class, and could quite possibly tower over his peers making him stand out. I decided to trust the advice from moms who’d done the same thing and I’m SO glad I did. (Thus far, William has fit right in physically and emotionally with his peers. …And if he had happened to take after his 6 foot, 4 inch grandfather then more power to him.)
The idea of having one of your children repeat a year later in their elementary school years is certainly more uncommon. Even I agree with the detriment of being withheld during these years while their peers move on. Holding one’s child back at this stage can only be accommodated if the child is going to attend a NEW school. I know four separate examples of the child repeating a year between 6th and 9th grade and all resulted in absolute success. I will tell you that 2 of these children had major learning challenges/IEPs and 2 were typical learners that simply struggled year after year. Each repeated the year at a DIFFERENT school then they were currently attending. One of the families was moving for the husband’s job transfer and found this to be the perfect opportunity to re-do 7th grade. The other examples didn’t involve a move, only a change in schools. Each of the children at first pushed back at the parents’ firm decision to have them repeat the year. With a little encouragement and a lot of Tough Love, these moms made the courageous decision to give their children the one thing no special accommodation can give—the Gift of Time.
It is with this same encouragement, my husband and I made the decision to have our 7th grader leave our public school system and attend a small Christian academy in a nearby town. Matt will repeat the 7th grade and continue from there. This was a loving conversation that was first met with tears on his part. But when he listened to our reasoning and to the benefits such a change could bring, he asked me to move forward and allow him to shadow the new school’s current 6th grade class to see if he’d like it. He walked out that day smiling broadly and is now looking forward to attending in the fall. One of his comments was “It feels like family and there’s only 12 kids in the class so it’s not distracting. I feel like I can ask questions and not always have to wait until the free period to go back and talk to the teacher.”
Withholding or repeating a school year is a big decision. But understand that it wouldn’t cross your mind as an option if your child didn’t need it. It absolutely NEVER crossed my mind to have SOME of my children be held back or repeat a year. BUT it absolutely DID for some of my OTHER children. Each child is different and schooling them is not a One Size Fits All. Remember you can always try something new and if it doesn’t work out you can always try something else. None of this stuff is permanent. But if something is nagging you, like changing schools or repeating an extra year, there’s a REASON and it’s most likely because it will benefit your child.
Be strong mamas. You got this.
Carolyn offers encouragement and knowledge so other moms can experience the same successful results as her son. One of her older sons, also ADHD, struggled for YEARS with O.D.D. symptoms. She wants you to know you can have control over symptoms even when given that VERY overwhelming ADHD or O.D.D. diagnosis.